It's been a teary week.
I've been feeling so sensitive since I wrote my last blog post, in tears reading all the overwhelmingly compassionate comments, in tears talking with loved ones on the phone, in tears (sobbing actually- a first) reading that yet another person is pregnant...on facebook of all places.
I am the type of girl who never cried on the playground...not until someone asked the one little question that would break me, "are you ok?" No. No, I'm not ok. I'm wounded and hurting...but I can handle this on my own, thank you very much...don't ask me if I'm ok...or I'm going to lose it.
So, I've been losing it a bit this week. Losing my grasp on whatever bit of control I thought I had. Losing my temper with a certain sweet little 2 year old. I actually apologized to him last night in the car. "Sorry Wes, Mommy was feeling moody today and she didn't mean to take it out on you." He replied, "It hurt my feelings." What? I didn't even realize he knew the phrase, let alone the meaning. Sorry.
I think that "putting it out there" that my heart is hurting has made me even more painfully aware of how badly it hurts. But I think I needed to share it, and to share it before it was wrapped in a tidy little bow with the gift of a baby in the end.
I just started Bittersweet yesterday and I think it's the perfect book for me to be reading right now (thanks Alisha!). I like what she says about change:
I am hoping that this experience will open me up and deliver me into the palm of God's hand, but if I'm being honest...this isn't how I was hoping to get there. But, maybe it's exactly what I needed.
This weekend will be full; a few birthday parties, a sleepover for Wes, and potentially a finished chicken coop (Jeff has been working on this for a few weekends- post to follow).
Life marches on...