Friday, February 25, 2011

losing it

It's been a teary week.

I've been feeling so sensitive since I wrote my last blog post, in tears reading all the overwhelmingly compassionate comments, in tears talking with loved ones on the phone, in tears (sobbing actually- a first) reading that yet another person is pregnant...on facebook of all places.

I am the type of girl who never cried on the playground...not until someone asked the one little question that would break me, "are you ok?" No.  No, I'm not ok.  I'm wounded and hurting...but I can handle this on my own, thank you very much...don't ask me if I'm ok...or I'm going to lose it.

So, I've been losing it a bit this week.  Losing my grasp on whatever bit of control I thought I had.  Losing my temper with a certain sweet little 2 year old.  I actually apologized to him last night in the car.  "Sorry Wes, Mommy was feeling moody today and she didn't mean to take it out on you." He replied, "It hurt my feelings." What? I didn't even realize he knew the phrase, let alone the meaning.  Sorry.

I think that "putting it out there" that my heart is hurting has made me even more painfully aware of how badly it hurts.  But I think I needed to share it, and to share it before it was wrapped in a tidy little bow with the gift of a baby in the end.

I just started Bittersweet yesterday and I think it's the perfect book for me to be reading right now (thanks Alisha!).  I like what she says about change:

I am hoping that this experience will open me up and deliver me into the palm of God's hand, but if I'm being honest...this isn't how I was hoping to get there.  But, maybe it's exactly what I needed.

This weekend will be full; a few birthday parties, a sleepover for Wes, and potentially a finished chicken coop (Jeff has been working on this for a few weekends- post to follow).

Life marches on...


Kristen said...

you're an inspiration, jenny, as you hold out your heart so bravely during this time. grace covers you in this past a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister. i love you and wish we could see the whole story sometimes... to look ahead and see all the good things just over the next hill, you know? i am confident they are coming. i love you so much, lady. i hope this weekend has moments in it that bless you right deep down to those aching places in your heart, with love and healing, and peace and hope.

Kari said...

sending hugs and prayers your way Jenny. Especially appreciate your honesty and open heart, they are lovely, even when you are hurting.

alisha said...

"I am hoping that this experience will open me up and deliver me into the palm of God's hand, but if I'm being honest...this isn't how I was hoping to get there."

Jenny, these are words of faith if ever there were any! I'm not sure why God takes us on painful journeys, but even if it doesn't feel like it, He is taking you by the hand through it to the other side.

I've got Mumford & Sons on repeat (of course) and just as I began typing this comment this lyric came up from "After the Storm":

"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."

Then I read Kristen's comment about looking ahead and seeing all the good things over the hill. I'm also confident that they are coming.

God IS opening life up in you, and though it's a painful process, in time you'll look back and, like Kristen said, be able to piece a little bit more of the story together. :)

Rebekah said...

Jenny your story is being beautifully written and like you said you are boldly sharing this portion now before the tidy answered prayer at the end in hopes of finding more life in Christ, more depth in faith, more grace...I admire you for that kind of courage.

the comments left here before me are beautiful. I want to echo them and tell you I am also here hoping and trusting with you - it's coming Jenny just hold on a little bit longer.

love you.

Katie said...

I don't have anything eloquent to say except that this sucks and I hate that you are having to go through it. I honestly look at you and am so incredibly impressed by how positive you have been, but I am glad you are also allowing yourself to cry and experience the hurt in all of this. As I hope you know, I am here to cry with you if ever you need it.

I love you.

Joanna Roddy said...

Some thoughts from my favorite book about how faith leads us to resting in the one who is authoring our journey:
"For as long then as that promise of resting in him pulls us on to God's goal for us, we need to be careful that we're not disqualified... If we believe, though, we'll experience that state of resting...
"The promise of 'arrival' and 'rest' is still there for God's people. God himself is at rest. And at the end of the journey we'll surely rest with God. So let's keep at it and eventually arrive at the place of rest..."
Hebrews 4 (Message)

Guess what? Later, in chapter 11, there's lots of great stuff on this subject and how it relates to Abraham. Hope you can read it and be encouraged.

I love your beautiful journey of faith and your honesty in your struggle. These words are striking a true. Thank you for sharing your heart.

Rachel said...

I love you.

CristieMaye said...

i wish i had some amazing words that would help...but all i can say is that i love you and i'm praying for you.

Casey said...

I too, wish I had something to say that would take away the hurting Jenny. Just know that you are loved and prayed for. xoxo.

Angela said...

Yesterday as my oldest is eating lunch in a very quiet moment he presents me with "mom maybe we should have another baby? Do you want another baby?". I froze in my steps and just stared at him. How does this child know the depths of my thoughts? Did God place these words into his mouth for me to hear that He himself hears my prayers and desires? All I do know is that God is listening, patiently, and I'm learning to accept what He has given me graciously. My heart is with you Jenny, I'm sending warmth and love and joy as you continue on this journey...

julie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
juliejane said...

i love you so much, Jenny. i love your honesty and transparency. the Lord's promise to you is already and not yet... and i pray He makes His grace sufficient for you in the inbetween.


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