A Fear Realized

I was so looking forward to sharing this photo...with surprise and excitement and joy! And when I went over to view our family photos (which I love) I cringed a little when I saw this picture...because this week, when I should be nearly 11 weeks pregnant and anticipating sharing our news "officially," this week, we lost our baby and I experienced having a miscarriage.  I pray and hope that Elliot will indeed be a big sister someday, and with that sweet little one that we won't meet this April up in Heaven, I believe she already is...but we now find ourselves on another faith journey and we find ourselves surprised in the midst of grief by hope and love.

When I started having bleeding last Tuesday I got a pit in my stomach, I feared the worst, in fact, I almost felt prepared for it. In my experience, especially surrounding fertility, I have found that The Lord has given me foresight into the plan he has for me.  With Wes some part of me knew that I would have a c-section, with Elliot I had always felt like I would struggle with infertility as a way to draw closer to God, and even before I got pregnant with our #3 I felt like my next pregnancy would end in miscarriage...I certainly never wanted to speak this aloud and give it power and once I found out I was pregnant I prayed it wouldn't be true...but my fear has been realized and in many ways overcome because I trust God, I know he is good and I know that he will use this for his purposes.

I have been convicted off and on since having Wes that I missed my calling as a nurse, specifically in labor and delivery.  This year it has been heavy on my heart and I can see how The Lord has been preparing me through my personal experiences to work with women, to comfort them the way that He has comforted me.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5
  3Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. 

I wrote the above 2 weeks ago now...I took more time to process and in the middle of my sadness and feeling that I might bounce back faster than I expected I was hit with one of the worst seasons of illness I've had in a very long time.  Strep throat that turned into something more with my eyes and gums and then was followed up by a random cold virus that Wes picked up from school.  It has been brutal.  And it's forced me to spend my days being instead of doing.  Frankly, I'm still not all the way well...pray for me! My one birthday wish (my birthday is Friday) is that I can move forward into this new year with a renewed body and spirit!

Before I got sick I was struck with a deeper understanding of why people wore sack cloth and ashes in times of mourning.  As I put on make-up and dressed for the day I realized no one knew what was going on inside my head, inside my body.  I wanted a physical expression of my grief and perhaps that's what The Lord gave me by letting me get so sick.  Along with the reminder that so many others are hurting and we may never realize it.  God's using this already!

I don't know how to wrap up this post.  We wanted that baby, here.  But we are still hopeful about our future, trying to cherish what we've been given now and thanking God for the mercies he showed us during this trial.

Jeremiah 29:11
¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.